That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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