actually, I'm a sock model
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
