Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
