i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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