1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
