I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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