Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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