i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
