he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
