All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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