Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
