I need to stop coming to work sober
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
