I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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