Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
