I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
