you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
