my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
