Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
