i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
