So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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