You're completely useless in the revolution.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
