Whod you bang
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
