I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
