it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
