i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
