i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
