Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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