just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
