Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
