So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
