Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
