You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
