Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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