Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
