literally had 100 drinks last night.
People in love make me want to vomit
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
