OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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