totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
