I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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