the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
