my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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