my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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