Too much gin, very little bucket
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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