i already hear my dad disowning me
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
