WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
