DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
