There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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