1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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