I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
