i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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