you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I touched a dick in church today
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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