she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
