I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
