Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
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she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
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It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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