I smell stomach acid.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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