I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
