I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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