Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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