Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
