Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
