I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
