im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
