duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Is Oprah even human
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
